Insight and Behavioral Change

In my work with my courageous clients – and in conversations with wise friends – a discussion often emerges: is behavioral change possible by setting goals, then experiencing a reward when you make a positive change? Or does one need insight in order to change? Of course, there is “insight” in realizing change is needed. But I’m talking about the insight about the belief itself that has been prompting the behavior you want to change. Can motivation to work toward a reward be enough or do we need to understand our inner workings in order to create change? Does belief inform action (“I do this because…”) or does action create belief (“Every time I do this, that happens, so my belief is…”)? Impossible to answer for certain (see “chicken or egg?”), but here’s what I think:

We have reasons for our behaviors. People seek behavioral change when a behavioral pattern doesn’t work anymore. Therapy explores the beliefs related to the behaviors – to answer the wise question: “Why do I keep doing this, and getting stuck?” and then helps us name our reasons for repeating the pattern – often related to how it worked in the past, but no longer serves us or our relationships. The connection to behavioral change is through changing our belief about what WILL work for us in our lives.

For example – consider a childhood BELIEF: If you ask for what you need, you’re demanding (or rude or disrespectful). The BEHAVIOR you learned: don’t speak up, or assert needs or wants or hopes. Voicing no opinions helped you maintain approval, keep the peace, or stay safe.

NOW: You notice that you are not heard, or you are silenced, that you can’t find your voice, which can lead to feeling suppressed, sad or anxious. INSIGHTS: You’re uncomfortable and something needs to change. The pattern that kept you approved of or safe in the past does not serve you now.

CHANGE: By addressing the past “helpfulness” of keeping silent, it becomes clear that, as an adult, you can have a voice, and it will be heard – as soon as you change the belief about your own worth and validity. People hear us when we pay attention to our own voices – able to access our sense of self-worth, our voice. Then, in relationships, we can effectively assert needs, wants and opinions in healthy ways.

NEXT TIME: Healthy assertions – how do they feel? What do they sound like to others?